A Match Made In Heaven? Part II

Ms. Perfect

613 Eidel Maidel Ave.

Sunnyville, CA 90209

DOB: Old enough to be mature, but young enough to still know how to have fun.

Potty-trained: 18 months!

Height: Tall and beautiful, but just a little shorter than you.

Family: Qenainah Harah , I have three brothers and two sisters and….wait, let’s get down to business. My parents. They are very supportive. (Salary in the $1,000,000 – $1,000,000,000 range, but please don’t share that. Just say that my parents are definitely willing to support us for…um…well, we’ll have to discuss. It matters what shiur he is in.)

Education: Torah for Tots, Pre-School

Torah Academy, Elementary School

Bais Yaakov, High School

College Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in one year from Fly By Night School of Therapy, Certified Knee Therapist (KT)

Self-description: I’m a princess.  Hashem wanted me so badly on this earth that He created me in His image, and that clearly is indicative of my physical (and spiritual) beauty. Enough said. I’m outgoing when necessary and quiet when necessary; I’m the life of the party and I’m the behind-the-scenes person, all mixed in one. I understand the importance of a parna’ssah, which is why I worked hard to become a KT. I am about as complex as this sheet of paper. That says it all.

What I am looking for: Most importantly, he must know how to cook. I will cook the pasta and coffee, and he does the rest. Knowledge and willpower to kill bugs is also a priority. He must have expertise in this area, as I don’t like bugs, because I’m a bas melech. (If not, I’ll probably say no, because it’s not shayyakh.) Waking up at odd hours of the night is a must, because I need my beauty sleep. He must be a ba’al middos, because if does not have any middos, then he is probably a vegetable and not a human. All humans have middos and I want to marry a human, so he should be a ba’al middos. I don’t care if the middos that he has are good or bad, just that he has middos. He should be ben-Torah; his father’s name has to be from the Torah (no Justin or Nicholas or George or any other goyish names like that). He must wear a hat. It could be a baseball hat, a black hat, a straw hat, a newsboy’s hat, a homburg, a streimel, a baker’s hat, a party hat, a turban — whatever. It just needs to be a hat. That’s a must. He must wear shirts — I don’t care if they are white, if they are blue, if they are striped or polka dotted — as long as he wears them. Waiting a maximum of 3 hours between meat and milk is a must.

References:

The best Rav and Rebbetzin in the world (222) 333-5555

The other best Rav and Rebbetzin in the world (444) 777-7777